Administrative Sorcerer & Professional Mind Reader / Chaos Tamer (Anchorage)

We need someone who can turn our beautiful chaos into an organized masterpiece. You’ll be the one who knows where everything is, remembers what we forgot, and makes it all look effortless. Basically, you sing on key while keeping harmony with the universe (all 11 of them). ________________________________________ What You’ll Actually Do The Obvious Stuff: • Schedule meetings without quintuple-booking the conference room (revolutionary, we know). • Answer phones like you don’t hate humanity. • File things so future-you doesn’t curse present-you. • Keep deadlines in line (for at least a couple people). • Remember it’s chess, not checkers—even if the pieces are missing. The Real Magic: • Anticipate needs before they explode into “urgent.” • Translate “that thing from that place” into actual tasks. • Guard calendars like a velvet-rope bouncer for nerds. • Decode vague computer gripes into real IT fixes. • Master the ancient art of saying no without sounding like a jerk. ________________________________________ Who You Are • Detail-oriented but not a perfectionist statue. • Fluent in both corporate jargon and human. • Switch between “zen monk” and “gentle bulldozer” as needed. • Actually enjoys organizing things (we’ve heard of your kind). • Thinks three steps ahead while juggling flaming chainsaws. • Laughs at chaos instead of crying into coffee. • Learns weird stuff for fun and somehow uses it. Bonus Points If You: • Can translate executive mumbling into English. • Know the difference between “urgent” and “I just remembered this.” • Wrangle vendors, contractors, and humans with equal finesse. • Understand that “quick question” is code for “half your day.” • Have a favorite task app (and strong feelings about it). • Can stump the boss—it’s like trivia, but with real consequences. ________________________________________ What We Offer Your Daily Descent Into Beautiful Madness: • Everything’s urgent until it’s three weeks late (then magically your fault). • Phones that you answer while already knowing who’s calling and why. • Meetings in rooms that may or may not exist. • Travel booking during pandemics and disasters (because “it’ll be fine”). The Actual Wizardry: • Read minds through sighs and hand gestures. • Turn “I need that thing” into actionable intel. • Maintain sanity while everyone else sets theirs on fire. • Predict which “five-minute task” will consume your soul. • Perfect the dark art of saying absolutely not while sounding helpful. ________________________________________ You Are Obviously… • Part human, part filing system, part therapist. • Fluent in Panic, Deadline, and “whatever this hand-waving means.” • Immune to chaos but allergic to nonsense. • Capable of time travel (or making it look like you are). • The only functional adult in a 50-mile radius. • The one who color-codes their grocery list (and we thank you). • Able to translate “ASAP” into actual timeframes. • Creator of order from primordial soup. • Capable of breaking physics while making things work anyway. ________________________________________ What’s In It For You • The chaos-fueled satisfaction of being irreplaceable. • Real pay and actual work-life balance (not the fake kind). • The religious experience of watching adults realize you’re the reason anything functions. • Unlimited chances to perfect your “are you kidding me?” face. • Hero moments when someone says, “How did you even know I needed that?” • Basically, it’s a cross between chocolate crème pie and whatever else you secretly love—only better. ________________________________________ Apply only if you’re ready to become our organizational deity and professional life-saver. ⚠️ Side effects: excessive appreciation, coworkers who can’t function without you, and occasional sainthood nominations